This has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks, this blog post.
As someone who lives both in the real world and somewhat in between books, bed and work; I have been mentally and physically tossing the decision to post this blog. Not because I don’t want to share my true feelings because that is one of the decisions that I made with myself when I started this; but because I don’t know how people will take it.
This whole entire decision making spin wheel came into affect when my Mother started packing the house up. Putting bits and pieces away in bubble wrap before storing it in boxes listed: kitchen, dining, lounge and her kinky sex den…more like “camping store” as she calls it. Helping her break bits and pieces of packing tape, marking boxes and shoving them against a wall started the wheel that had stopped running for a few years.
And so once again, the itchy feet started. I felt like I needed too take flight away from reality and therefore life and go too the beach. My home away from home. The beach and not particular beach, oh no; it has to be Kirra Beach. And with that feeling, here I am today. Having made some life changing options, decisions, thoughts and finally I cannot wait to take the next step. So if you care to take the next step with me: prepare a soft landing, your parachute and let’s jump.
Life has been somewhat strange, hectic and crazy of late with all my assignments due and fortnightly quizs for BIO that seem to have been keeping me on my toes. And the thought of starting clinicals next week and deciding on how that is going to work out. This is not including the pile of lectures that seem to be storing themselves on my desk and pointedly, I am ignoring them as I have not been able to sit down in front of a computer of late and find the energy to listen to my teachers talking about different body parts. In fact, the only lectures that I have been able to get excited about was the fact I was learning about the endocrine system and it was by someone speaking English.
Racist I know however there comes a time where you are so annoyed, angry and upset that you throw a massive tantrum because you cannot understand what is being said. Well, I got to that point in life and that is why none of my lectures have been done as every time I go to open a lecture, I get annoyed. Plus I get distracted by music so easily and with that, Matt Corby has been playing into my little ears and he is managing to calm me down half of the time.
With that, I do believe Paramore’s touch is slightly diminishing as they used to do exactly that: calm me and express my emotions through the music. What is happening here? I seriously need to have a rethink about that and consider a plan of action.
There also comes a time in my life where I reach a certain point and I really don’t give a flying shit any more and sadly, I am close to reaching that. Or maybe I have already reached the point and I just don’t know it. In that regards, I have waited a while to see what these feelings that were slowly starting to unravel are before I made an large investments or leaps into shark filled tanks.
And I am glad that I didn’t make any large investments, how I did contemplate going down to Sea World and jump into their shark infested water. Just to feel a little thrill in my life as these past few months, I have been living a life that has not brought me happiness at all. I have been waking up on most mornings, staring out of the window, hearing my next door neighbour screaming at 8 o’clock and wondering what life is like outside of this little place in my head.
Will it be larger, brighter, more entertaining, am I going to be happy and can I do rolling down a hill while screaming with laughter? Hello depressive state of mind whom I have not missed at all and wish you would sincerely fuck off!
That little thought of what life would be like outside of this town constantly running on a loop, which seemed to tick and grind with each passing minute. The forced smile on my face, pretending to be happy and laugh was degrading each and every day and all I felt like was going into my backyard and screaming. That is if I lived in the middle of nowhere rather in town with my next door neighbour being a stones throw away. That was by the way, during Uni and work hours and than coming home to face my personal firing squad with questions like, “Are you sure?”, “Are you really certain this is what you want?”, “We are here for you, you know that right?” and the final killer: “I don’t think you are happy!”
And my little robot would kick in and respond with: “Of course I am. Doesn’t it look like it to you? Besides, why are you constantly on my back?”. Real great defensive strategical question that will no doubt get your family pissed off and storm off.
After months of having these questions brought up at every mention of my name, in conversations and on lovely little photo’s that were posted to my timeline; I had had enough.
Now I am not one of those people that wake up after a night of thinking and declare out loud: I am so totally going to shave my hair and pierce my nipple. No I am one of those people that sit there for a months on end, constantly writing a ‘pro & con’ list and even then, we sit there and ponder about the after effects of shaving my hair off and piercing my nipple.
Questions that often come to our mind while we are probably shaving our hair or piercing our nipple is: Will I think and feel differently when this is done. Will I regret it once they turn on the clippers or when they produce the needle that is going to tear through the muscle in my nipple? What will my Mother and Dad say? Will they be angry, surprised, shocked, horrified or start crying?
And case my Grandmother is reading this: I only have my nose and ears pierced now. I still have my hair however it is growing after having been cut. And no, I do not have my nipple pierced however I was thinking about getting it down when I was 19.
A bit of a rebel phase after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and decided to dye my hair some crazy bright red colour and get my belly button pierced. Best and worse time of my life but then I had to take little, slow millimetre by millimetre steps to get over my hurt. However in this case and months of sitting here pondering, writing down the same answers over and over again and even having books sit there and tell me the answers; I was over this bullshit.
So I woke up one morning and started Googling. Like you do when you don’t have access to the information and besides, Google is my friend.
I started looking at houses in Toowoomba, Brisbane and my new place that I have accidently discovered that holds a family that loves glitter, mango sorbet and $5 dollar wines. Which are surprisingly pretty good and do not taste like someone has peed into a bottle but rather, it’s better then the 50 dollar bottle you have brought.
With house prices and bond money, I started looking at the cost of how much furnishing a house would cost from top to bottom and have decided to totally go thrift shopping. Not only will this help out a charity company but I am hoping that I can pick up some pieces of furniture that need a little work over and some TLC and they will be as good as new. By the way, it has only clicked now that not all people start off with a 5,000 dollar furniture set.
While looking at houses both in Tbar, Brisbane and my little happy place; I made a decision that will impact my life as a University student, as an adult, individual and a sister/family member.
As of the 17th of August 2013, I made the decision to apply to be transferred to a different University located in Queensland. With that comes the decision to move from the little town that I have lived in for nearly 9 years; discovered once again what family was and who I am as a person. With this comes great responsibility as a person and a sister to move and relocate to a place that will not only support and nourish my wants and needs, but also will allow my sister to develop her own roots and become who she wants to be as a person.
And unfortunately the little town we live in, no longer does that for me but rather shows me what I am going to be like in another 20 years, with whom and wondering if I had made a terrible mistake. Or if not, waking up one morning in a room at the facility I work at and realising that it is too late for me to do the things that I have wanted to do all of my life.
And that my people, truly frightens the living shit out of me.
So with this decision, it means that I get to experience a new life with a new licence, determination and I feel like it needs to be “me” time for a while. Which means either means moving with my family to our little “beach” destination with glitter tables and mango sorbet and attend the University that is in the district. Or if I do not get into that University and I get into one in Brisbane, still live in my little beach destination and continue my studies as a nurse but do it externally and drive down to Brisbane for Residential week.
However, all of this is a dream at the moment because it based on whether I can get a house in my little destination and also the results of the Universities since they now have it in their hands. And when I get offered a position from whatever University, I am going to sit there and tell USQ: “It is simply not me, but rather it is you”.
And as Paramore sings: