Dearest Party Animals of 2013,
My Lords, Ladies, Friends, Family and most gracest Readers, it is the time to ring in a new year. And with that, it is time to open a Corona, bring out the memory box located in the back of my head and let the truth pour out onto this screen and into this blog.
I have spent the last two months from when I last posted, packing multiple boxes, planning car and truck trips back to Redneck town and suffering from heatstroke to be where I am now. In a little house that was once dubbed, Porno Land because of the 70’s shade of green that only needed ferns, to a beautiful little White House.
After dreaming so long of packing a suitcase, a box or even loading up the car and pointing a finger to the new destination of living, I have finally succeeded in just doing that. Before this move, I had spent two years trying to move away from the tiny little town that seemed to represent all of the negative thoughts that I faced on a daily basis and the fear that was for ever present in my mind.
The Year 2013 saw me grow a backbone and surge forward in my plans whether or not my family and boyfriend at the time stood beside me, holding my hand. This was the moment that I needed to shed my fragile and frail outer skin that had been holding me back from what I had wanted. I braced for change and there stood with the excess baggage of last year around my feet, a woman who had a voice.
Unfortunately like most New Year Resolutions that always last the first week of New Year before we eventually slip back into our old routine; I once again became that frail person that allowed countless times to be hurt. I was no longer the incredible woman who had a voice, which not only rivalled an opera singer but also a thousand people standing there, telling everyone to ‘fuck themselves’. Instead I became the walking wounded, the talking target and the person who I had originally thought was gone.
This past year has seen me cry tears of sadness more times than those tears of happiness. Those tears where from extreme stress of exams, assignments, classes or just the initial thought of waking up sometimes in the morning. This led to constantly feeling tired from the ever present battle of trying to save a relationship. 2013 was a witness to countless fights amongst my family and being told “relax the fuck up”, “have a drink!”, “Why are you so uptight?”.
And this was because I always had the fear that whenever I reached for a drink, my partner would sit there and say “don’t drink that” or work calling me and saying, “Hey, I have a shift. Good, glad you can take it” when all I thought was: “I just want to bloody have a drink of alcohol.” That constant fear of work calling and having to put up with quiet words after having a drink, led me living the life of a Nun.
Hello Nun Scarlett with the pinafore and May God Bless You in your sobriety.
I would just like to say that so far, 2013 sounds like it was a pretty fucked up year which would have left me cowering in the corner, pleading for the end of the attacks. But in the later stage of 2013, it also saw positive aspects shinning under the ice that was holding me back. Which were waiting for the ice to thaw so the beautiful colours could flood my life and those around me.
And did those colours of the rainbow flood my life when I made the hardest decision in my life.
I know that there are people in my life who are currently sitting there wondering why I went from being in a relationship to posting shit about random guys in my life. First of all, let me clarify because you are speaking to the horse and its mouth or rather its fingers. And also, here is your answer because I wish you would just shut the fuck up and stop posting comments like: “What happened to Jake? I thought they were engaged.”
Brace yourself my dear because I will give you the flying truth.
We broke up 6 months ago, I was never engaged and never secretly have been. I am now married, to myself because I have finally discovered: I need to love me before I can love anyone else. Your constant comments as such listed previously before, not only piss me off but I have to refrain from calling you and saying: Just because you are family doesn’t mean I need to describe on a minute to minute basis why we left each other.
I am currently talking to someone and that person is pretty understanding and can I say awesome. Yes, I am talking about myself. I am neither lesbian, bi or going transsexual so those rumours can stop. I am not pregnant nor do I intend of producing the next grandchild, cousin, niece/nephew, spawn of the devil in recoronation until I am of actual legal age of producing one and when I am bloody ready. And finally: Why are you obsessed with knowing everything that is happening with me? Shouldn’t you be focused on the Golden child?
Thank you and come again.
It also saw the redevelopment of my backbone which I thought had been left in storage to rot and shrivel. I made my mind up right there and then while waiting for class to start on a Wednesday morning, I am leaving Millmerran and I am moving.
With that, I grabbed as many boxes as possible and started to pack all of possessions that I owned until my room resembled a packing yard rather than a bedroom and sat back with a grin on my face. This was it. I had finally made the decision that I wanted to make. With only how long I had been secretly harbouring that thought away and I was free to move without having an ultimatum or thought of: I can’t because I have a partner, I have work, I have Uni and I have friends.
As my dearest and most beloved Lady T and Blacksnot would say: Dump the boyfriend or someone’s words; Dump the CUCUMBER, dump work, you can always transfer to another Uni and if your friends loved you; they would still keep in contact with you.
So following those words, I did exactly that.
It saw me write my resignation letter to my work after the passing of a dear Resident and walk proudly into work like I was the Queen of England and handed it over without wanting to scream out, “Give it back! I was just joking.” On the same day after dropping Big Dog off and driving around with the sense of freedom for once in the past two years and that the world wasn’t just balancing on my shoulders, I pulled up in my driveway, walked into the house and opened the fridge.
And the first thought came to mind was, ‘Do I want a martini but then we have no olives. A Corona it is then.’ I then proceeded to lounge against the fridge, watching the time clicking away as I felt like I had not only just saved the nation but I swear I could have gone sky diving from the adrenaline rush I was feeling. Without a parachute and would have landed back on the ground without a scratch.
As 2013 comes to end, it also saw my music taste change dramatically. No longer did Paramore blast from my speakers, even though they are still my number one to go music for when I am pissed. But I now listened to Drake, Nate Dogg, Snoop (I got to have a little pot laced music in my life from a smoker) and the Teletubbies being replaced by T Pain.
Sorry Twinkie-Winkie but you weren’t cutting it for me any longer.
My attitude to exams had gone from being off the scale to just below freaking the fuck out. I have to admit I am quite proud of myself from not having a total panic attack but maybe next year, I will be so mellow that I will resemble a marshmallow.
So as 2013 comes a close and therefore so does my memory box of what I wish to tell you, besides I cannot give away the whole story otherwise you shall not wait until next time, I have given myself only 6 New Year Resolutions. I feel as if these will allow me to be who I should have been this year however under certain pretences I wasn’t, I have opted to have ones that I can actually follow along with.
I believe they may potentially work.
1. Get active in the New Year.
Whether it be climbing the massive hill up the road, taking up a zumba class which I actually thought was fun or finding a ballroom dance lessons.
2. Relax more and not be a psycho when it comes to exams.
Hence why Lady T will be telling me to chill or in her words, “you do realise I shall walk up to you and slap you across the face right?”
3. Go out and actually socialise with people from a variety of different backgrounds and ethnicities.
This actually means that I get rid of all of my cobwebs that have been dangling around my head for too long and actually get out there and say:
Hi, I’m Scarlett. I am 24 and I have really bad road rage at RRA (Road Rage Anonymous).
4. Let it be the year of Scarlett O’Hora.
Let the last word be noted.
5. Expand my drinking abilities from a max of 2 drinks to shall we say without sounding like a drunk: 3 drinks.
This means actually attending Uni night and experiencing what all the hype is as clearly, I have no idea what the hell goes on behind closed doors. And also, be a near 24 year old and go dancing of all hours of the night. With that, I am hoping the #whitegirlwasted hashtag doesn’t feature anywhere my name.
6. I am leaving blank for an emergency.
To everyone around the world who will be reading this, I wish you all a very Happy and joyful New Year. And good luck with your Resolutions.
Until next time,