On The Third Day of Christmas, Santa Gave To Me….

On The Third Day of Christmas, Santa Gave To Me this special note to the three incredible people that I call Pablo, Kaffy and Frodo….  This is for you, my darlings.

Sunday, 14th December 2014.

Dearest Pablo, Princess Kaffy and Little Man,

Hi, it’s me.

Clearly because we all happen to know that the only person who regularly, or rather tries to, updates this blog site is yours truly.  And since I cannot be there to tell you face to face about what I am thinking because we know that it will either end up in you growing bored, storming off in a fit or me bursting into tears.  So instead of saying this loudly and growing angry by the time I’ve finished due the emotional side of me coming out, I thought it would be easier for me to type it out for you to read.

I am sitting here on my bed for once and not in the kitchen, trying to picture what your faces are going to look like while reading this.  As I can honestly say that the things that I have written are essentially from the heart and no where else.  Also if you have happened to come across a bawling Lois, please get her a hanky or a box of tissues and let her sob until she relinquishes the hold of the computer so you can read.  Just watch out for the dribble, snot, stilted sobs and waving of the hand.  Now before I begin, I have a few rules that need to be followed.

And these rules are: 

1. Frodo: put down the games for at least 10 minutes.  I know you have a busy schedule of depositing gold, hitting people with a sword and plotting who the next target is going to be for a ‘kill shot’; but as your older sister, I think I’m more important.  Don’t you agree?  And for you focusing on what I have to say and for your attention, I will let you call me one of the following names over Christmas.  Just one though and not all.  The names are: terrorist, jellyfish, octopus, spy and chicken.  Because secretly each time you say those, I know it is your way of telling me that you love me.  

2. Kaff: have you had your morning coffee yet?  As I am not sure when you will be reading this, I suggest you go and brew yourself a steamy cup of much needed kick to the arse and hello!  Good morning, Kaffy!  However, if you are reading this at night then I suggest putting down the paintbrush after finishing the area that you are painting.  Finally, your incredibly talented fingers with paints, graphics and most things related to drawing can be patient and wait.

3. Pablo: my man!  First of all before I begin my demands of what you should be doing, we need a fist bump.  My fist is totally hanging in the air right about now and it is waiting to be greeted by yours….Ready?  On the count of three.   One……Two….fap fap fap fap…..Three! Felt the love all the way from The Little White House.  Now onto my demands for you and that is to put down the anime, phone or control to the x-box.  Those guys can wait as I am sure what I am about to write is pretty important.  If I may say so myself.  

And this is what I have to tell you from the beginning.

Now I am sure we are all old enough and have discovered the meaning of what life is, so I don’t need to discuss how babies are created or rather made.  With having said that, no! I will not tell your 17 children about the birds and the bees, how or why Mum and Dad have ‘adult cuddles’ and why can’t we have ‘adult cuddles’ too.  And why does Mum stare at Dad like he is a piece of steak waiting to be eaten while baking and decorating cakes for my nieces and nephew’s birthday parties because your wives can’t cook.  Kaffy, I am willing to help you out on the odd occasion since you don’t know how to make a cake from scratch, but three times max! And no, I am not a daycare centre to look after your children while you have a field day around the country.  

So as I was saying before firmly reminding you that I am not a babysitting service and I will be an award winning nurse/doctor (in my head at least I will be); 21 and 19 years ago, our parents told me that I was going to be an older sister.  Like most kids you see today whether it be in person or across some form of social media, they are often overcome with joy at hearing the news that they are going to have another addition to the family.  In other cases, we have seen the nasty and now somewhat hilarious side of when things turn ugly.  Especially after hearing the news of another family member is on the way.  And we all know what the sound of a hammer hitting their older sibling’s head sounds like along with the ear damaging scream.

I don’t know how Mum and Dad broke the news because I admit that I cannot remember shit like that.  But when I saw each and every one of you wrapped in the protective sack that was giving you life, support and nourishment, I knew I was going to be the best older sister possible.  And each and every time, it felt like the final piece of my destiny was coming together as a whole and that when the timing came, I was going to mother you like my own.  Much to your horror and sometimes hostile attitude when I tell you ‘no, you will not be doing that!’ as I step out of the older sister box and jump into the mini mother box.  Which I know pisses you off because you feel as if I am not being fare, I’m pressuring Mum and Dad into doing what I think and that I am not letting go of the bone.

The answer is, have you ever thought that I have simply wanted the best for you?  And hope at all costs, that you never follow the same pathway as me because look where it got me half of the time.  Up shits creek without a bloody paddle, crying in my canoe and pleading for it to return back to the way it normally was.  Because as the saying goes, ‘monkey see, monkey do’ doesn’t mean you had to do exactly what I have done and in some cases, we have all done it. 

Now the reason as to why I am so fiercely protective you all is not because I feel like being the crypt keeper and sucking all your fun away, it is simply because I have always been fiercely protective of you.  Even before you were born.  Besides, it is my job as an older sibling and mini mother to stand guard against things that go bump in the night and make sure that even when you were little, the bogey man wasn’t residing underneath your bed or in the closet.  That is after Dad checked of course but I had to double check, just to be on the safe side.  This fierce protection even stems while you were still in Lois’s womb, doing cartwheels and in Kaff’s case, beating the shit out of Frodo or stealing off with his finger.  

Now I don’t know if Mum has told you the story about setting another child straight after getting the facts wrong.  But in case she hasn’t and you need something to blackmail me over dinner with, when we aren’t discussing our favourite sexual positions or sex in general, Mum was pregnant with the twins.  Some little boy who belonged to one of the mothers in the Twins club told me that Mum wasn’t pregnant with two babies but rather she was pregnant with one.  Not to mention he would have possibly called me stupid and we all know how I hate to be called, stupid.

After having sat there and openly yelled at this brat about how indeed our mother was carrying ‘two babies’, I decided within the next few minutes that he needed to be taught a lesson.  So like any logical thinking of a two and something year old child, I taught him a lesson by punching him in the face.  Before telling this now crying wimp that Lois was pregnant with two darlings.  Needless to say, Mum was ‘politely’ asked to never come back to the group.

And in case you are feeling left out Bob, a similar incident happened while Mum was pregnant with you as well.  Except I may have taken it a step further and dominated the kid until he resembled something of a trembling mess in the corner.  I think if that isn’t a clear definition of how much I loved you, even if you were 68 cells lying within our Mother’s womb, then I don’t know what will.  But then I think it is acknowledged by those around us, who call themselves ‘family’ at the risk I am willing to take, just so then I can stand beside your side at all costs while supporting you.  

Even if that meant listening to my Gibbs gut and leaving the high school grounds to walk across the road to the primary school during my lunch breaks, just to make sure that you all were okay.  And that no one was picking on you or had thrown things at you.  This even entailed setting bigger and scarier bullies straight for having picked on my youngest brothers because the bully thought they were prime targets.  Not knowing that they had a much bigger, scarier and more dominating sister, who fought like a bulldog attacking, until she thought the target had been eliminated.  The day I smashed that grade sevener in the face for picking up that large rock and pegging it at Pablo still plays in my mind to this day, as I relive the scene of where his tooth came flying out of his mouth and the blood splashed over my knuckles.

I believe that is when the saying, “Don’t mess with The O’Chunky kids” came into effect.  

As you can see, I am willing to lay my life down on the line for you three because you are my family.  And will continue to do so until I divorce you for making my house into a babysitting den, complete with milk bar in the lounge room, cakes being ordered at 4.30 in the morning for the party which starts at 8 or me having to buy presents for your spouses.  Because and I quote, “I had no idea what to get him/her for their birthday, so considering your not busy today and you have a thirty minute break from work, could you buy the present for me?”  I love you all but no.  Get off your lazy arses and ask the right damn questions that will get you the correct answer so then you can go and buy their presents.  By yourself.

And for Mother’s day, gold eaten pasta splattered on cardboard containing a picture of your child will certainly make your wife/Kaff laugh.  Clearly as it still amuses our own Mother whenever she pulls it out of hiding and sits there, telling us the story about how she caught Pablo eating the uncooked gold sprayed pasta before giving it to her.  Don’t worry Pablo, we have all done silly things like the time Frodo, Kaff and I brought her three coat hangers from the Mothers Day stall, a 50c pad and a broken candle stick.   Those were the good ol’ days to say the least when Mum had to feign surprise because she had already known what we had gotten her along with enjoying the burnt toast, stone cold tea/coffee and our fantastic rendition of, ‘I Feel Like A Woman’.

Complete with us four wearing white shirts, matching socks (for once!) and our undies.  While I sang and licked my lips, the twins played the tennis racquets like they were some form of guitar.  And Pablo, you went fully kitted out with the yellow cricket bat and you were moving it like Jagger.  If Jagger played a muscle instrument and didn’t crone into a microphone like he was making love to it.  Needless to say, that Mothers Day was a total hit in Lois’ eyes but a massive fail at being coordinated in dance moves.  

L-R: Pablo, Frodo, Scarlett & Kaffy.

As the years have gone by, I have been able to watch you grow in many different ways.  Height, width and dimensions don’t necessarily fall into this category for those who are sitting there going, ‘she’s talking about being a midget’.  Yes Pablo, I am talking about you!  No, the different ways we have changed as individuals include the times when Frodo came home from the school and told us that he would never be returning to that hell hole again.  To now you are possibly thinking about going to Uni and doing something that will make you miserable in the short run, with that welcome to Uni!, but in the long run will make you happy.  Kaffy being all excited because she had lined all the boys up and proceeded to give them each a kiss on the mouth and throwing her school bag in the air, not waiting to see if her little ‘boyfriends’ would catch it.  Kaff, you are now at Uni studying two degrees which suit you like a tee and somewhat proven that you are a killer knock out in a red, floor length dress. 

To me waiting for a little Pablo to come racing out of his class with his school bag in my hand and watching him stare at me like I was simply awesome.  Those moments I will forever hold dearly in my heart because each have had an impact on me.  These moments amongst many others have influenced my mind and feelings of fiercely protecting you as a person, an individual and also as a collective, while I standing next to you and when we are in two separate locations.  And that with whatever has been said or is being said, I gladly go to battle for you all.

I believe the fierceness, protectiveness and loyalty that I have for you, has been there throughout all of 21 years of being a sibling.  And it is not because I feel as if it is part of my job but rather is something that has been bred into me by our parents and also myself.  The role has been slowly created throughout these years and is waiting for me to slip into on the day that are parents are no longer there for us.  Because as your older sister, you will need me to be your rock, your shoulder to cry on, your leader that will give you commands.  Most of all, a leader who will have no mercy upon those having been proven weak in their doing and wish to hurt us as individuals but also as a whole.  A solid unit that cannot be penetrated from the back, front, sides, top because we are one.  A uniting force that seeks to prove those who speak ill of us that we are simply one, one that cannot be destroyed, bulldozed but rather fights and struggles to maintain power.  Resulting in us using that power for good and not for evil.  

We are The O’Chunkys.

The dominating force that makes the weaker sit there and be truly afraid because we show them what they are, and that is weak.  We are a dominating force that shows the strong how strong we are and with that strength, how to use it.  This strength is used to not belittle those who are not as strong as us but rather allows for the pathway to be established so then their own strength can be determined.  Allowing for it to prosper, gain power and therefore use their newly discovered force for good.  Until we all stand united together as a powerful army that will be deployed at any given moment.  To fight against those who ridicule, belittle, hold superior motives that are of pure evilness; knowing that we are a force to be reckoned with.

Because we are The O’Chunkys. 

An army that has been bred, sustained and nurtured to support our comrades in arms through times of weakness, moments of self doubt and moments of pain and anguish.  Because we are family and that is what family does.  So when you are in doubt my brothers and sister, I shall oil my battle armour, sharpen my knife, replenish my arrows and lengthen my bow and I shall stand willingly beside you.  At any given cost and I will fight until my ultimate death.  Even if that does occur, I shall still be fighting against your side from the other side of the arches because no one or nothing is going to stop me.  We are a team and a team that stands beside one another knowing that we are strong in our own ways and with that, we make one hell of a fantastic team.

I am proud to call myself, your sister.  Both in blood, in name and in honour.

And I am proud to call you my brothers and sister.  In blood, name and honour.

I am proud of how far you have come both together as a team but also as individuals.  Pablo, you are moving away with the hopes of establishing something for yourself that most people wouldn’t dream of.  You are courageous, loving, hard working, determined, powerful, successful, caring, warm hearted and any woman who is going to marry you, is one lucky woman.  She will have to jump through hoops, walk across a burning fire, bear the force of our interrogation techniques and if we don’t think she is up to par, you will certainly know about it.  I am proud of the way you treat women, which is with respect and that you are always striving to succeed in making other men notice how they should be treating women.  You are a true gentlemen and a fantastic brother at that.

Kaffy, you have defied the odds of not becoming a supermodel as predicted in the year 10 graduation speech.  But having said that, Alex Perry would simply look stunning on you as you would be wearing the dress and not the other way around.  I am glad that you have not listened to my remarks about how you should wear dresses, heels, make up, do your hair in a certain way but rather have stuck to knowing what makes you comfortable.  As much as it frustrates me half the time seeing you walk around in boardies, a bikini top with the laid back attitude of ‘what up bro?’, I have come to realise that is simply who you are.  And nothing that I do, suggest or try to shove in your face will change that and for that, thank you.  If you had listened to my crazy advice or so I thought at the time, we would have lost someone that is truly beautiful and unique in her own right.  Replacing her with a fake barbie complete with plastic ambitions and credit card.  The advice that I have always wanted to tell you but haven’t been able to form the words nor the sentence is, “don’t ever let a man knock your dreams out of the ball park and crush them”.  Because, you are worth more then that and if he cannot deal with the fact that you are running your own business, drive a dual cab, have your sister babysit your kids for you and have her popping over every five seconds to teach you how to cook, then darling Kaffy; he isn’t worth it.

Finally but not least, Frodo.  We have made it, my darling!  I know the past 9 months have been hard on us both but we have managed to make it, a small feat in its own right.  I know as your older sister when we received the horrible news, we came altogether and when it came time, I left you alone at The Little White House.  And essentially would have felt as if I were abandoning you rather then taking time off from university and coming back home to support you.  Because you are the one out of the other two, who feels things more differently.  With that, I am truly sorry for making you feel as if I had done that to even though I never meant to make you upset, cry silently and pretend that everything was okay, when we knew it wasn’t.

Considering the type of relationship you and I have compared to what I have with the others because we are so alike in manner, I should have picked it up.  But I didn’t because I was dealing with my own grief and for that, I will probably kick myself every day for the rest of my life.  As much as you don’t openly sit there and discuss what you are feeling or thinking, the moments we spend together curled up in bed when I want to be held because I feel lonely, I know exactly what you are feeling and thinking at that time.  With that, you don’t know what those moments do for me but they make the piece that is missing in my soul be fixed for a little while.  Until I have to leave your arms because the time has come to go back to being a university student and with that, it is time to step back and don my armour.  For those moments when time stops, thank you and I love you Frodo.

Never forget that I love you with my whole heart, soul and body.  And as Meredith told Cristina is Grey’s Anatomy, ‘You are my person’. 

And finally, to my Darlings; my parting words for this evening are: “Honour and Protect Thy Familia”.

Because we are The O’Chunkys’.

Love forever and always your ever loving biggest fan/supporter and fellow soldier by your side,


The deutsch, terrorist and Bob.

L-R: Kaffy, Scarlett, Red, Frodo and Pablo.

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