I’m So Ovarian It….

“……..Some people think they are going to die some day. I got news for them, you never got to go..” as spoken by Ted Nugent.

Stranglehold” song has been a partner through my life but it has been there in times of need.  Particularly when it comes to screaming, embrace memories, let go of thoughts and feelings and to reconfirm to myself that I am still breathing.

Ted Nugent and I have been “friends” for many years.  In fact, we met one day back in my youth when my oldest Brother, Sadi, introduced us.  I remember him telling me to lie down upon the thick carpet in our lounge room, close my eyes and clear my head of thoughts.  Before inhaling deeply and hold it in before slowly breathing out.  It was then in that moment, Ted entrenched that one verse into my heart that would be there for a lifetime.

Welcome everyone, it is Lois.  Now why is it that I think I will hear a world wide groan being emitted from your mouth at that?

I am Superwoman…

Having stated that though, all I can think about is ‘shit, Lois, are you not feeling  invincible today?’.  Before my mind spins off onto a different tangent and that little voice that we all have, that is called a conscious says bitterly; ‘where the hell is the fire and iron, you show the world on a daily basis? Where has the Super Woman gone? Is Your Vault Empty?’

I know that Scarlett promised a blog post and where I might be featuring as a regular guest blogger.  To which all I can say is, here I bloody am!  Now sit down and get comfortable, pour yourself a stiff scotch or a G&T and light up a smoke and get this show on the road.  Now I know you are asking yourself after having gotten over your excitement for me being presented to you on a silver platter, why am I writing to you instead of the Scarlett Woman?

It just so happens that I was talking to her on the phone a couple of days back.  And as a result, I happened to mention to her what what I am about to let flow in the next paragraphs, would make a bloody great blog.  Which I got told by Scarlett down the many phone calls we have been having lately, “You should write this down, Lois.  Write it down in your words and put your thoughts, emotions and feelings to the sound of your music choices.  And that your own worry shall make to a whole new level and it will make sense.  Not only to you but also the reader and it will help you overcome your battle”.

As a statement but never far behind a promise, it will all make sense at the end of this blog post.

Having just said that, sorry give me a moment as I am feeling very brittle at the moment.  And I need to find the strength to continue on…. Let me listen to Paramore’s “Only Exception” a couple of times and I know that I will find the strength to continue on as Hayley’s sweet voice and the memories, the song evokes within me shall provide comfort.  Comfort that I desperately and some what crave as what I am about to say will not only knock your socks off but it will open a whole new door to who I am as a mother, friend, lover, wife but also first and foremost, as a person.

Ok, I am now crying profusely after listening to The Only Exception on repeat but don’t worry, that will come to an end soon.  I have discovered it is better to let it flow naturally rather than holding it inside.  As I have learnt from those times that holding it all in nearly kills you with the mass amount of pain, regret, sorrow, anger, loss, rejection and defeat.  Not to mention that occasion hard dose slap of grief that seems to accompany all of those and more that would make the weak, crippled.

The only thing is when I cry like that, I get this damn craving to throw a cigarette in my mouth and let the nicotine work its magic throughout my body.  I will try to ignore that feeling because it has been 5 days since I had a smoke but I would like to say this…..  Why, oh why, did I decide to give up smoking again……especially now!

Myself, Kaffy & Scarlett….

Hold on, I HAVE to find some music to cheer me up because of late, it seems that every song I am finding is about dying.  Being lonely and being hurt.  Hang on! I know what will cheer me up and that is singing on top of my lungs to Johnny Cash’s ‘Folsom Prison’… There you go, the sense of humour is back and I guess this is where you can state out loud, “I can see where Scarlett gets her sarcastic tendencies of nature from”.

Like they say, like mother, like daughter.

As to my comment about ‘where the hell is the fire and iron, you show the world on a daily basis?’, I have the answer.  Are you ready and if you are not sitting down, then I seriously do suggest for you to park your arse.  Because what I am about to say is of relevance and I am finding it difficult to openly write these words.  Now the reason why I am not my usual perky, Do NOT fuck with me, I am an O’Chunky, Mumma Bear and Domestic Goddess of my own realm is…….I got a rather nasty shock.

Not the kind of electrical shock that makes your heart stop for a second and your hair stand up on your head.  Not to mention your girly and boy parts tingle from excitement.  But rather it did feel like 500 million volts of pain hit me hard when the words were uttered that NO Husband or Partner, let alone NO Woman wants to hear….

Now, Lois.  Do Not Panic.  But we found some lesions in your ovaries and we think they are Cancerous”. 

I can tell you, Reader, that in that moment of time I was not singing ‘Hakuna Matata’.  Nor was I rolling around in the grass with glee while Timon and Pumba wiggled their arses as they trooped by!

In fact as soon as I heard those words, I promptly walked out of the doctors and straight into a tobacconist where I threw some cash on the counter and soaked me up some nicotine.  While I soaked back the much needed release, all I could think about was how did I seriously feel about this bullshit?


Not to mention the thought of, ‘here we go again’ entered my mind as I stubbed out my cigarette and proceeded to light up another one.

How did I find out?

Ironically, my stupid right leg decided to have a sciatic nerve moment that caused my entire right leg from the tips of my toes up to my hip go numb.  All the while trying to literally take my breath away and rob me of my limited ability to walk with the torturous level of pain.  For someone who has had four natural births, childbirth has NOTHING on this pain that I was experiencing.  However, being the stubborn bitch I am, I decided to wait four whole days before I went to the Hospital for some assistance.

And this is when various ultrasounds were ordered, plenty of pushing on my leg that almost saw the Doctor get punched out by my left hook and many mutterings about my S.1 in my lower spine being the culprit.  Before I got greeted with, ‘thanks for coming.  Go see your local doctor…by the way here are some painkillers, they should help.  Please take 2 per day and watch the door as it closes on your butt’.

So I spent the next seven days waiting to see my local doctor and essentially popping four little pills a day.  Just so the pain I was experiencing and crying over would be remotely touched.  When the day arrived, I endured a 30 minute drive where it was spent clenching my teeth so I could see my doctor.  Just for that damn referral for a C.T scan on my spine.  Where my absolutely fabulous Doctor, who I personally thinks deserves a medal, raised his eyebrows at the 4 a day mentioned painkillers.  And very nicely got me onto some other medications that made me a nice person to be around and I actually love my leg….. However the mysterious numbness is still present.

This trip to Doctor R, began two weeks of numerous trips down the coast to the Radio Imagery Department for what seemed like endless streams of C.T scans, ultrasounds, Trans-Vaginal Scans.  The last one, I had no idea I was getting it done until I signed the forms to proceed and instantly, the warning bells went off.  And during this time, I was only being told that my scans had to be totally conclusive before they could say what was happening to me.

Oh they were conclusive all right.

The first C.T scan that I had of my pelvis picked up TWO rather large lesions on my ovaries, measuring 7.5 cm and 8.4 cm.  Finally, the trans-vaginal had picked up that both of my ovaries are FULL of more lesions.

This is when the infamous words were uttered.

Now, Lois.   Do Not Panic.  But we found some lesions in your ovaries and we think they are cancerous”. 

All that went through my head was the image of me being 30 years old and my husband sitting beside me.  As I watched his face go pure white when I heard the words…..”Now, don’t panic.  But we have found a rather large mass on your left side, we think it’s cancerous”.

That time when I was 30, it was touch and go.  Scarlett was near 4 years old and our twins were mere babies.  And in a matter of weeks, I went from 6 months to six weeks of life to taking one day at a time.  When the day of surgery arrived, I had less than 50% chance of survival.  The tumor that had decided to make my body its living and breathing host was 30 cm in length, 8 cm in depth and 11 cm in width.  Which had been caused by two car accidents, causing my spleen to split in half each time.  And ironically that tumor was found because my gall bladder decided to play up!

So here I was again.

My dodgy leg has not only found lesions in my ovaries but it potentially saved my life.  Which resulted in me coming home and finding the album titled, Songs Of New Zealand.  Where I proceeded to sing, Oh baby, it is making me crazy.  Every time I look around….IT is in my Face!  How Bizarre!!  Because in this circumstance, all I can say is: ‘How Bizarre!’

After leaving the surgery holding Doctor R, my Husband and I cruise home.  All the while telling ourselves silently as we come to terms with what has just been dropped in our laps, ‘until we find out what the cancer markers come up with from my blood tests; we will NOT be telling anyone what is happening’.  In other families, it would be a very, very clever idea but never a delusional
thought/feeling when it comes to my family, unfortunately.  Meanwhile, in my head I’m screaming, ‘I AM NOT FUCKING DYING!’ while ironically puffing away on my 3rd or 4th smoke in 20 minutes.

We arrive home in one piece and walk in the front door at The Little White House when our oldest son, Frodo comes out and says, “Shit, You look like someone just told you, you were dying!”

I swear that this kid is Clairvoyant as his twin sister walks into the lounge room and places her hands on her hips.  She glances at both of us and than looks at her twin before turning to look at my Husband and I before saying, “spit it out Folks, we can tell something is happening!”.

It was up until that moment that all our children had been told why I needed to have these scans done.  To originally find out WHY my right leg was numb which essentially was the truth.  But part of me was beginning to have warning bells going off in my head, screaming and telling me that there was more to the logic behind it all.

Red & I.

I looked at my Husband’s still pure white faced and we nodded at each other and proceeded then to give our twins the run down.  All the while hating myself for ripping apart their lives and causing pain and anguish to be put into their hearts.  Because all I had wanted to do was not speak of what was happening because I had wanted to save them any grief that would no doubt, hit them like a mack truck.  Meanwhile, knowing full well that our other two children, Scarlett and Pablo were miles away and needed to be told.  Knowing that when they were told of this news over the phone, that Scarlett and Pablo were essentially all alone.

I can tell you as a parent, as a person, a friend and family member….. It cut me to the core to say the bloody words….”I think I have cancer”.  And then wait in silence as you change the course of what that person had been enjoying up to that moment and listen to the sucking in of breath.  The utter silence as you watch that person’s body jerk as if the word were bullets and they were hitting them.  And all you could and can do is wait silently for any breath, word, emotion or any sign to confirm that you are still loved, adored, needed and most importantly….YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Now, could it get any worse?

I am afraid to inform you that, oh yes it did get worse.

After delivering the news to all of my family members and hearing Scarlett automatically go into ‘nurse’ mode to deal with the pain, there was one person I had to call.  I walked into my bedroom and closed the door before sitting on the edge of the bed with the phone in hand and dialed a number.  The number belonged to the woman who has given my life so much light, love, inspiration, growth, passion and happiness.  Not to mention, she has given me a friendship that is truly a gift from God.  Pressing the little green button, I held the phone against my ear and inhaled.

Because I was calling The Admiral’s Mate, my children’s Fairy Godmother and I was about to shake her world.

When she picked up the phone and said her usual greeting, all I could do is blubber.  While she collected herself and told me “WE” would fight this together.  It was at that moment that I stopped being afraid and told her on the top of my lungs…. “I AM NOT FUCKING DYING!!!!!”  I continued to speak to her, finalising plans, putting my new will into action and promising her that she will take care of my family when that time came.  That night, I went to bed and started thinking about the outcome of what was going to be brought into my life over the next few days.

With several more C.T. scans and ultrasounds tucked firmly under my belt and I should have a walking radiation sign being stuck to my head, the day came that we would find out the blood test results.  As Red and I sat in Doctor R’s room holding hands, Dr. R was slightly distracted as he went back through all the chronology of tests, scans, ultrasounds, visits etc.  To the point I had reached my level of patience and had to stop myself from screaming, “Fuck Sake, just TELL ME!”

The amongst the much muttering, he quietly spoke the words….

“Lois, the markers came back clear”.

Excuse me.  What the fuck did you just say?

“Clear, I’m Clear, I’m going to live?”

I would like to point out that because of one simple little thing Dr. R did, I did not believe him.  Because he did NOT say the words directly to my face but rather instead, muttered them as he continued to look at the pages filled with medical jargon.  So I sat there thinking, ‘did I hear right?’.  Before launching Red and I into the conversation of meeting with a Gynecological specialist that Dr. R had been raving on about.  Not only to remove those pesky lesions but also to remove my ovaries, after demanding.  Because one scare was enough and those bitches were not going to cause any more trouble, thank you very bloody much!

Meanwhile, Red assures me repeatedly that he said I was clear.

Having received my results, the fact that my ovaries and lesions were going to be removed by some miracle medical Gyno God, I had to dutifully inform my kids and friends, that Lois would still be here for another 50 or so years.  That was until I got ordered to come back for a ‘vault smear’ and like me, you may be sitting here thinking, ‘what the fuck is a ‘vault smear?”.

While my wonderful female Doctor, Anne of Green Gables, sat discussing why I needed this smear to be done; I must admit that my brain was thinking along the lines of, ‘has someone made a mistake?  Am I not being told ALL the truth?’.

Anyway, a Vault Smear happens to a female who have their ovaries or nothing left; this is why it is called a ‘vault’.  Because in my case, I had a hysterectomy a zillion years ago and now I only have my ovaries left.  My ovaries are now the only resemblance of anything remotely described as ‘girly bits’ and my vagina is now known medically as a vault.

Oh My God,  does this mean I can stash stuff in there?

If so, that means I should probably change my name from Lois O’Chunky.  To the forwarding address of Bank Of Lois, Lois’s Safety Deposit Box.  Or if that is a bit of a mouthful, particularly when it comes to writing or depositing cash, how about: Hidden Treasures Vault?  Now when I think about this in great detail, does this mean the The Italian Stallion needs a Security Access Code and possible body guard?

So how did I feel?


I am sorry but I just realised what I had written and holy shit, I am cracking up in hysterics.  But I suspect it has something to do with Usher’s ‘Bad Girl’….  One can never fault a good song.

However, there was one little question that needed answering:-  “please clarify to me what Dr. R had said to my face”.

This is when Anne of Green Gables spoke the words, “Lois, the markers came back clear.  The lesions are benign and you do not have cancer”.  Hearing those words, I had a bit of a weep as she gave me time to recover before having to disrobe, lay back on that doctor’s couch with a beautifully soft sheet.  Before staring up at the ceiling.

Which of course lead to this little scenario.

While Anne was swabbing around inside and I pretended I didn’t have some foreign thing twirling around, I casually asked Anne if she found any Gold inside my vault?   The eyebrows shot up, a smirk came to her lovely lips as she looked over her glasses at me and said…”IF I do, can we goes halves?”

I knew in that moment that I would get my Groove back.

So as I drift along and into one of my favourite songs by the Bee Gees, ‘Staying Alive’, I can say with confidence:  My darling Children, Frodo, Kaffy, Pablo and Scarlett now have time to find me some daughter and son-in-laws to love and adore.  Not to mention, my darling children now have time to give me some much deserved grandbabies, to tell stories too about a Land with a long white cloud all the while, smelling their sweet necks and loving them to death with my heart.

Not to mention, I have time to sit down at my computer with a cup of coffee, dancing in my seat to Dave Dobbyn’s ‘Slice of Heaven’ and singing off key.  Much to the annoyance of my family who are trying to watch a movie or NCIS (again) as I spin around and mention with a hand motion, ‘What? I cannot hear you’.  Or yell out on top of my lungs, “Can you make me something to eat and I want a cup of coffee please” as I watch my child’s face scrunch up as they roll their eyes in annoyance.

Now I have NO IDEA why something like a gall bladder or a numb right leg can manage to find out these problems in my body.  But I take it as some divine guidance in my life, letting me live that little bit longer. So I am bloody grateful.

However, one thing my doctors told me and I feel that I must pass it on.

If you have any irregularity in your periods, breasts, pelvic area….seek immediate help from your Medical Specialist. DO NOT DELAY……it could ……SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I am grateful, thankful and so damn blessed.

My God, you heard my prayers.  You are my guidance, my light, my path, my Love,  Thank You Lord.

Love Lois xxx

P.S.  It has been several hours since I wrote that blog. It rattled my cage a bit exposing my thoughts and feelings, making myself vulnerable. But a wise young woman told me in a voice message….”MUM, you have to tell your story because there are people out in this world who maybe going through the same thing and feel alone, frightened etc….YOU maybe able to show them, there is hope and help available.  Most importantly…MUM, you have to share your life with the world, they will be fascinated…..YOU are a true one of a kind.”

If ANYONE in this world wide web works for the Soap Operas anywhere in the world and needs some medical or true life drama: contact Me (Lois).  Care of Scarlett…..You will win awards for years to come with the shit that I have had happen to me, however since my Vault is empty….I will need GOLD to fill it.  Lol.

Love Lois xxxx

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