As I sit on the eve or rather the cusp of a New Year, I simply cannot find the words to sum up the year of 2015.
I know over the last twelve months or so, I have poured my feelings, memories and thoughts into various blog posts and now as I come to gripping the reality of these posts are going to be in the past; I wish to tie them all into a package with a bow and read through them continuously.
For I believe the year of 2015 has taught me many great and vastly different lessons that have shaped, uprooted and brought a severe sense of reality. That even today and at this very moment in time, I am still trying to wonder if I have necessarily appreciated what has happened. Not to mention, I am still trying to wrap my head around what all of these lessons are for I no longer have a clear definition.
There was more than one occasion I found myself stranded in the library at college at some ungodly hour of the day, dreaming about the life I would potentially have when I graduated and no longer suffering from textbook-coma or the definition of exams. In other times, I was firmly planted at a desk with a cup of coffee simmering beside me as I blankly stared at the screen. Before letting my fingers and brain do the talking, only to discover after ‘tuning’ back in, what I had written was appropriate enough and greatly detailed to be posted.
2015 has also taught me the significance of a good beat as I often found myself plugging in my head phones, sitting down in some location around the house/college and writing. Whether it was a 2500 word assignment, pre-editing some group assignment or post, I was never without music flooding my ears and even now when I write this, Chet is singing away.
The last 2-3 years of experiences I’ve shared with you Dearest Reader, I can say I am almost afraid to wake up and discover I’m still stuck in a tiny, redneck town in the middle of nowhere. Living my life through pages of a book titled, Scarlett’s Life.
This not so exciting book would see me continuously dream of what life would be like outside of the country and who I could be as a woman. The revisited pages saw me stuck in a well-paying job that I didn’t particularly like due to the political crap; however at the end of the day, it paid for my bills and the roof over my head.
Scarlett’s Life saw me grow to loathe and hate myself as I didn’t know what to do in regards to the horror movie I was living and how I could escape being the main attraction. The main attraction everyone but those in the relationship outside of the family wished to place titles, categories and thoughts as to how we should be living our life.
I know this probably will sound stupid to you as it would only take a completely mad woman to put this much stock, blackmail material and heart felt emotion into her diary that isn’t exactly private. Rather, her diary is a public viewing board for those to access, read and form opinions over the material having been published.
Anyway, if I had to pick out a five words to describe what the year of 2015 was like… I would probably say: U2’s 1991 song, Mysterious Ways.
This would definitely sum up my life. As for my New Year’s Resolutions for 2015, they were based on a year of ‘many firsts’ and something I could say I’d never done before. Unlike 2014 and my novelty of not knowing what it was exactly I wanted to complete/experience, I decided 2015 was about experiencing many different things that once upon a time, I would have criticised others for having done those things.
2015 saw the change in how I thought, felt and perceived my body to be like after having fought and battled against the negative thoughts I had. After standing in front of the mirror on my birthday a few years ago, I decided it was time to do something and as a result, I kicked my arse into gear and started getting healthy.
One of my resolutions for 2015 was to keep fit and active and as a result, I stopped taking the elevator like a slob I had once been and actively took up walking the many, many stairs my college is known to host. In the end although I do not possess buns made of steel and a tiny, little backside; I am now able to point out my thighs have lost weight and look leaner, my butt is a size smaller and I am feeling more confident about my appearance.
It also saw my thoughts about certain subjects change and as a result, I pulled my head out of my own arse and take myself off the pedestal I had placed myself on. I stepped with tiny little steps out of my comfort zone and I essentially took up many different subjects and categories that when I look back on, they were something exciting and completely out there for me.
Once upon a time if a man had come up to me at a bar or anywhere else and offered me a strict non-emotional sexual relationship, I would have not only been utterly disgusted and horrified. I also would have been positively outraged at this man for having the decency to think I would lower myself to a certain level. For I had always brought myself up and therefore carried myself, and in some aspects still do (but not as severely) to think I was one of those girls who simply laid back, kicked up her heels and thought of Britain.
As a result, 2015 saw me grow a set of balls and accept the proposal of a strictly based no emotion relationship. Much to the horror of my mother who had thought and still does to some level, I deserved much more than a quick roll around in the sheets. To be only to be tossed to the curb when things became dry. Instead I opted to not listen to my Mother and her comments and I continued on with this relationship.
During the length of this relationship, I was able to discover many lessons I hadn’t known were available to the female. A female were able to access these as they were offered within a closed community and how one would go about doing something like this. The many lessons I had learnt showed me, relationships I’d had were based on emotions and love was good. But at the same time, stifling in certain aspects as I wasn’t known to be one to raise a voice and openly express my thoughts and opinions.
Having discovered this and my titanium balls, I learnt how to barter and negotiate my own rules and regulations. So this relationship however long or brief, would be on my own terms and not my partner’s. I soon was able to openly demand what I wanted without fear of being critically judged by my partner for having thoughts that most people do not think of or never wish to express.
Essentially I learnt at the end of the day, I needed to stop being the quiet girl who was afraid or telling or asking for what I had craved, desired and needed from the relationships I had and will be in. Especially when it came to the delicate line of sex and erotica. 2015 saw me stand on my own two feet and demand what I wanted and if it wasn’t to my expectations, I wasn’t afraid of letting this person know.
Least to say after discovering the effect I had over a man, I wasn’t going to stop listening to the voice inside of me and put myself back up on that damn pedestal. Particularly after discovering something that was a 9.5/10. This relationship opened the thoughts I’d been holding onto in regards to writing, exploring and experiencing amazing sex and stories, resulting from this.
Like most things fantastically good, 2015 saw the ending of this relationship. As a result, I walked away with my head held high, my heart set of striving for the best for myself as a woman and the thought of what I had experienced and would continue to pave my pathway for what I want.
It also bore witness of me leaving this relationship of freedom and complete and utter trust and stepping into one of absolute uncertainty.
Once upon a time, I would have ignored the warning signs and the voices of concern that were screaming both inside of my head and physically at me by members of my family. As a result, I opted to remain emotionally distant from this relationship and because of this, I was able to walk away knowing I’d saved myself.
As I am not one to hide behind the politeness of not writing about certain topics or issues faced by those on a daily basis, I wrote or rather admitted to having secretly seen someone before sh*t hit the fan. I wrote about my relationship with this person and what I thought it felt like being slowly hemmed in by a controlling psychopath.
Having uploaded this post, I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting people to come out of the woodwork and send me messages of support, encouragement and details of their own stories. I was surprised to see friends of mine share my post, detailing their own relationship and how important it was to seek help from friends, family or charities that are structured for men, women and children seeking help from domestic violence.
Not being obtuse nor blinded by those who are living in a domestically abusive relationships, I wrote that post because it was a way for me to start comprehending and piecing my life back together after what had just taken place. For I couldn’t understand how I went from a no-string relationship to a psychopathic and potentially abusive one in a matter of seconds.
In a way, I was never able to understand the impact I’ve managed to have on you, Dearest Reader. Until that day when I sat down in front of a computer screen and openly admitted to many things. I learnt a valuable lesson that even to this day I put into practice and that lesson was shared to me via an email Lois had originally sent to Frodo.
‘Freedom is NOT running away but standing still and taking a deep breath and letting go of all the feelings to the Universe to deal with on your behalf. YES, it does require supreme strength to let go and actually NOT thinking it is all up to you to sort out.’
But like many things, we cannot simply dwell on the past as we will never get anywhere and we would be always going backwards. I for one do not wish to start heading backwards after the journey I’ve taken to get to be the place I am currently standing at.
So what does the year of 2016 have installed for the ever entertaining life of Scarlett and the blog, Scarlett O’Chunky?
Keeping fit, active and healthy.
A few years ago, the thought of keeping fit, active and healthy would have caused me to laugh on the outside while crying inside. 2016 and the thoughts I possess towards fitness and health have taken a different spin and approach to what I used to consider as being ‘fit, active and healthy’.
Having realised the lifestyle I’d been living couldn’t be described as being healthy in the slightest as I constantly judged myself and my appearance, I have come to acknowledge and understand the needs of my body. I have come to understand the need for healthy eating options, clean food and having a positive psychological outlook on life. Although being actively fit and healthy doesn’t always stop purely at food options as it also includes the physical body.
In 2016, I am looking and slowly becoming interested in picking up a few yoga classes during the week as I have previously found it to be incredibly relaxing. The opportunity to have time to myself is perfect and irresistible. 60 minutes spent unwinding from a stressful day at work, college or the delightful thought of leaving an assignment to stretch and focus, has me looking for the nearest class.
Like I said, psychological well-being is also important when it comes to wanting accomplish resolutions and goals for the New Year.
By picking up a couple of classes a week or doing something else, that doesn’t include eating the fridge out of fruit and vege and feeling as if I’ve contributed to my weight loss; it shall provide a healthy option to release my pent up frustration. Frustration I often experience as a blogger and nursing student when things aren’t going to plan.
These classes will not only provide me the opportunity to tone up my body and shape it into what I would love to classify as the true hourglass figure. But these classes will give me the opportunity to step out of my shy personality and meet strangers. In a sense, it is working great for allowing me to inhale positivity and exhaling bullsh*t, toning up my body but also will allow me to step out of my shelter of not speaking to strangers.
Overall, I think it is a win-win situation for me.
When it comes time to vodka and chocolate cake, I’ll be saving these moments for when I am out and about with LBS. No doubt, revisiting our not so lesbian date in the near future as we decide what we are going to do with our lives as twenty something year old women. For I can state, chocolate cake never tastes the same without the delicate topics of anal sex, bondage and masturbation. Safe to say, I savior those moments we discuss delicate topics over dessert and cocktails.
Like many things in my life I am in the midst of accomplishing, completing or delivering a swift slice to the throat, I am excited about the expectations and thoughts I have towards college and my #lifeasanursingstudent.
Having completed my second last placement in 2015, I realised something valuable and how I should have been paying attention to it all along. The lesson I learnt when I received my completed document and letter stating how I had the ability to control over-zealous patients’ family members is that I am more than capable of completing, finishing and passing anything when I put my mind, skills set and determination towards it.
If only I had come to realise this many years ago. As it would have saved me large phone bills as I spent thirty minutes over the phone, crying and voicing my doubt. Not to mention, constantly asking myself if I had chosen the right field for me. The answer is: YES!
2016 is going to be the year where I stop mentally beating myself into submission and thinking I’m a massive failure. All because I do not fit the mould one certain university wishes to create and has been trying to do the last two years. Simply boils down to the fact: I’m stubborn and do not comply with orders.
This is my last year of college as a nursing student and the final lesson is: I need to realise I have beaten the odds set out against me from the get go from those around me and potentially, myself. For I have managed to survive the stressful 2500 word essays/assignments, 40 minute group presentations and my first high distinction at QUT.
As a result: only 350+ days until graduation.
Most you know by now, I have spent some duration of my lifetime travelling and as much as I would like to claim it was pleasure, it wasn’t.
This is the year of freedom and such things before I am hemmed in by solid working hours and having showers with patients. Not to mention the scary and yet thrilling factor, it will be me along with another nurse attending to eight patients and their needs/requirements all without a nursing buddy, standing beside me.
As a result, I am going to be using this year as a year to travel to different locations around the country I live in. A few weekends out of the year, I shall be spending this time trying to figure out where I want to set down roots post Harry Potter moment and the daunting factor, I have student debt I need to pay off.
I’ve spent the last year and no doubt, many months of 2016, wondering if I want to continue living in the sunny state of Queensland or sell, pack and move all of my things to another part of the country. It shall be a challenge as I will be away from my family but at the same time, thrilling because I will be able to see if I can cope with the pressure I put on myself. All the while enjoying various cups of coffee in some little alley as I continue to dream about life.
Blogging & Writing.
Brad Paisley once stated: “Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one”.
Clearly I am going to be taking this quote literally to heart and to head when it comes to writing and blogging for Scarlett O’Chunky. I knew when I decided to leave my original blog, A Stairway To Nurse’s Heaven, I wouldn’t be covering all things purely related to nursing such as which doctor was hotter and stethoscope I preferred. If you want the answer to those statements, I would choose Jackson Avery and Litmans’ for stethoscopes.
When it comes to writing for Scarlett O’Chunky, I want to talk about what life is like as a nursing student but also discussing things to do with life, the ins and outs of adventuring into a BDSM club and discovering how sex can really be and travelling. For these things seem to be important to me when it comes to wanting to write about things that simply are not based on nursing.
I also promised and made a deal with myself, I would do my best in bringing content that if I were the reader (in some cases, I am) would prove to interesting, inspirational and motivating. Hopefully when it came time to closing down the post, it would leave you thinking about what I had written about in a different light.
Scarlett O’Chunky shall be discussing all things related to Lifestyle Dreams to Heaven or Sex and all the things in between. I know I won’t be discussing the latest craze that some of us are obsessed with. Which is fine with me as we all have different opinions and thoughts when it comes to these certain things. I do promise Dearest Reader, I shall stay humble to my original roots but at the same time, discover what life is really about.
At the end of the day if I get a message like: ‘His cock looked depressed’, you are guaranteed it shall be posted in some form or shape in a post.
My final resolution that I shall write about for this year amongst a few others I have hidden away is: I will try to update at least once a week. As I am sucker for a hot cup of whatever, plush and fluffy blankets that smell like detergent and sunshine; I shall try to aim for a new post each Sunday. For I like to lie back in bed sipping my cup of magic and reading every blogger I follow.
I know this seems like defeat as we all have borne witness to my writers block and the difficult decision I’ve made to not post anything or the reality of what exams/assignments are really like. But I am going to try my damned hardest to do it and upload weekly.
So if I do not hold up to my end of the bargain, please do not grow angry at me as I am sure there may be a decent explanation and a delicious post at the end of it. With this, these are my resolutions for the year of 2016.
I feel like I shall be able to achieve most of these resolutions, if not all. Hopefully, when it comes time to revisiting and reflecting upon this year as I look at writing my resolutions and goals for 2017; it shall prove to be a year of ups than downers. The person I feel and watch I am and are going to be, shall continue on developing skills that will not only knock you out of the ball park without a fowl and essentially, shall impress me.
As I am hoping when this year draws to a close and I am looking at the interesting thought of sitting down and penning my resolutions for 2017; I shall be brimming with self-confidence so incredibly bright, I am stunned. Stunned at the transformation I’ve undertaken as a writer and human being over the last three years. So when it comes to exploring the world of nursing and maybe leaving behind my roots in Queensland, I know I can do anything when I set my mind to it.
Dearest Reader, I am looking forward to spend the next 365 days being blown away and in return, blowing you away with what I have learnt and what I write for you in return.
Finally may 2016 be a year of productivity, positive thoughts and affirmations as to what you are doing; shall benefit you greatly.
Until next time,