“I’m going on a date tomorrow, with a guy.”
Reading the message again from Lady Blacksnot, I knew it was time to pull myself out of the self induced My Big Fat Greek Wedding meltdown and delete the folder containing wedding dresses off Pinterest. Just like that, I set about extending the olive branch.
The olive branch didn’t contain a
chocolate cake antipasto platter and a bottle of vodka non-alcoholic wine. Rather, I sent my apology in a form containing no messy words of “I’m Sorry”. Post apology and Lady Blacksnot extending her own bottle of non-alcoholic wine, we set about deciding what would be an appropriate outfit for her up and coming date.
In between discussing when I was going to start dating and BDSM, the 3 facts I discovered about Lady Blacksnot are:
A. New York minutes and my thoughts on Botox still continue.
B. LBS claims to be my pimp and has offered to ‘hook me up’.
C. Le Douchebag, the mythical beast known in the dating world exists.
After spending years encouraging LBS to get out there and stop living in textbook land, I was promised juicy details and sordid stories. These juicy details and sordid stories would spur posts based on LBS dating and discovering how I imagined my life would pan out without her by my side.
Within the law industry and LBS’ self driven dominatrix and b*tch eating world, there was/is a catch when it comes to getting the date’s name and details. Like the Law world, LBS’ catch was so specific that it promptly burst the idea of going FBI.
For I wasn’t allowed to employ the idea of Frodo and I hacking into the lucky
manchild candidate’s background, social security and bank details. Much to my disappointment and horror. With juicy stories and Lady Blacksnot getting back on the cowboy pony, I felt myself grinning as I waved Lady Blacksnot III off into the wide and sometimes scary world of dating .
This would only happen after formulating a plan of escape, necessary code words and swapping the date’s photo. As we formulated the plan of action, I wondered if guys had a secretive side dealings of online dating just like women. Particularly if guys had their own personal SWAT teams.
When it came to LBS and I, we have not only our personal SWAT teams combined together but we also have the advantage of textbook murder plots, copious amounts of sedative options and two twenty something year old geniuses behind the logistics.
When the big night arrived for Lady Blacksnot to take the dating world by its balls, I was sitting back with a cup of steaming coffee when my phone let off a little ping. Checking my phone, I was informed sordid dating stories were coming my way as LBS got ready for her date.
Having confirmed the emergency code word and escape plan, I reminded LBS where suitable stabbing places were on the human body. With my wing woman advice given, I was sent a message stating LBS had arrived at the scene of the crime and she would keep me updated.
A couple of days later, I received the full story of how LBS and her first date went. I was told about how it started in the busy and urban streets of Brisbane city. When Lady Blacksnot III found herself walking down a dodgy little alleyway. This alleyway just so happened to be in the middle of some punked out neighbourhood, following GPS directions.
As to how LBS came to finding herself stuck in the middle of a horror film being filmed in this particularly alleyway, listening to the robotic voice of her GPS; we need to start at the beginning.
Having agreed to go out on a date with a guy from Bumble, an online dating app where women have the control; Gelato Boy and LBS decided to meet at Brisbane’s #1 gelato store. It was after grabbing the address, LBS found herself driving to New Farm only to receive a text from Mr. Gelato Face saying he was going to be late.
Post ‘housemate needing to talk too him’ crisis being adverted, Lady Blacksnot III set about walking through New Farm towards the gelato store. Amongst her walk, she received a call asking where she was. It was only then after saying “New Farm” that Gelato Boy informed her that she was in the wrong location and needed to be in Teneriffe.
After being forced to park her car in some dodgy looking, dark residential street in Creepy-Deville, LBS realised Gelato Schmuck had given a street name with no number. Having modern day technology at hand, LBS set off following the directions of a robotic voice before finally arriving at the venue in one piece, alive.
Only to be told, “the plans have changed”.
With the possible thought of once again become an extra in the horror film, Lady Blacksnot III told me she was prepared to leave when she spotted Gelato Boy walking towards her. Post pleasantries being exchanged and the mutual agreement of waiting in line for gelato, Gelato Boy and LBS were talking when his phone rings.
After being told that he needs to talk this call and stepping out of the line, Lady Blacksnot III agrees and waits in line. When it came to ordering her choice of gelato, LBS’ phone vibrates and when expecting the message, the message states:
Just like that, Gelato boy become to be known formerly as Le Douchebag.
When it came to LBS dating experience with Le Douchebag, she asked me if his phone did actually ring or if it had been on silent. Asking LBS as to whether or not she had her ‘ears’ in and hadn’t reverted to lip reading, I told LBS there may have been a possibility his phone was on vibrate. Or in other cases because he is clearly a douchebag, used the excuse of his phone ringing when clearly it didn’t.
Like any true wing (wo)man and SWAT team advocate, I knew I had to remind LBS of the potential.
The potential for first dates is stepping out and discovering what you want in a partner and what you certainly do not want. The potential is discovering how comfortable you are in a situation such as driving through the dark streets of Tambourine and talking about perfect textbook murders, all the while wondering ‘ I got into the car with a complete stranger…. I’m going to die!’.
In this case, LBS discovered the potential of what first dates can be like and Brisbane’s #1 gelato store. Gelato Boy didn’t discover the potential of him being a complete douchebag after using the excuse of ‘my phone rang’ and ditching LBS via message. While little old me got to discover the potential I had for hitting knee caps with baseball bats and brilliant dating
When it comes to pimping one’s self out for dates, Lady Blacksnot III has not been short of candidates. In fact, Lady Blacksnot discovered within a matter of days post dumping of Gelato Boy, she had lucky candidates lining up.
As stated in Lady Blacksnot III: The Good, The Bad & The F*cking Ugly, modern day technology has allowed us to explore many different platforms and dating abilities. This includes the branding and launching of online dating websites, apps and Lord knows what else. Because of this, LBS has requested I inform you, she did not meet this person on any dating website/app.
In this circumstance, Lady Blacksnot III decided to go all modern day, single 21st century gal in the early hours of a Wednesday morning and picked up a man, while standing in a bar. As described by the She-Devil and Major B*tch herself, Lady Blacksnot III’s encounter with a law abiding citizen.
“Ms. N and I went out for the World Cup rugby game and ended in the heart of Brisbane. We grabbed a few cocktails while waiting for the game to start and while waiting, I messaged a few guys from Bumble seeing if they were available. One messaged back saying he’d be at the same place to which we both agreed to meet up.
After meeting up with this guy and both deciding we weren’t right for each other, I decided to buy a few espresso martinis. When coming back to Ms. N, I discovered she was chatting to a few guys who were hanging around our table and was soon introduced to the guys. It was then, I discovered one guy in particular –Tom Vodka- was a first year lawyer. We discussed topics on choices of law school and becoming a lawyer before eventually swapping numbers.
Like many things, we ended up losing contact until NYE’s when I received this:
I didn’t know whether to be amused or horrified so I pushed it to the back of my mind. That was until last Wednesday when Ms. G and I decided to create a blazing pathway at DUB (Down Under Bar). Few drinks later and with the alcohol flowing through my system, I happened to run into Ms. G’s friend and his housemate.
Of all the places located in Brisbane, I ran into Tom F*cking Vodka!
The memory of receiving that message on NYE came flooding back so I decided to go up and confront him. I confronted Tom F*cking Vodka (TFV) as to why he had tried to set me up with his fat friend (clearly I have no filter) all the while showing him the photo he had sent. In between yelling at him, drinking to cope with his presence and avoiding him at the same time; I did a complete 360.
For some disturbing reason, I randomly stalked him through the club. After hanging up my full time b*tch shoes, I’d find myself ducking onto the dance floor. Only to seek him out like a shark circling its bleeding victim. And when locating him, what can only be described as drawing a moth to the flame; I’d go from being all flirty to crazy b*itch.
It wasn’t until I threw all rules out of the window that I went up to him, smooshed his hand onto my breast and marched him onto the dance floor. Later that morning when I sat nursing a cup of tea and a hangover, I was informed about TVF and my crazy b*tch actions. Only for me to question how the hell, Tom F*cking Vodka found us.
When we pieced our clues together, the guy who’d attended high school with Ms. G had messaged, telling her about how his mate was keen on her friend. This mate just so happens to be none other than TFV.
We also realised exactly how TFV was able to find us. For it all came about when he facestalked and flipped through Ms. G’s photos. Only to spot us together in a photo of hers. I swear in this case Mrs Blackbutt, our city is getting smaller and smaller by the day.
All I can say is Mrs Blackbutt when it comes to Brisbane and our dating pond; it’s starting to look like a fish bowl from the inside and it contains ex boyfriends, limp dick f*cks and douchebags.”
Turns out Dearest Reader, trying to get LBS dating is proving to be rather difficult. As for her trials and tribulations of getting laid, that’s another story within its own worth. Overall, it simply boils down to the fact: Lady Blacksnot III isn’t an ogre with lowered self standards.
Also, if you are or know of someone who is a single gentleman; feel free to drop a line. As Tom F*cking Vodka said: “I’ll cupid it up for you”.
Until next time,