There comes a time in every college students life where we find ourselves parked in front of a mirror with our hands braced on the edge of the sink and we have a very serious look on our faces. We watch our reflection inhale, exhale and inhale again before telling ourselves, “We’ve got this! It’s time to kick some butt”.
From previous experience when it comes anything that resembles requiring and needing a mark, pass, S for satisfaction or certain percentage; I openly admit to being someone who doubts herself on a near day to day basis. Particularly when it comes to exams, assignments or going onto placement for my nursing degree.
Much to the annoyance of my family members and closely loved friends, I’m often quoted saying “Am I really good enough? Have I studied enough? What happens if I fail, than my life is o-v-er!”
However when it comes to exam day, you can find me in the nearest bathroom. I can be found standing at the sink with my hands braced on the edge of the sink, watching my reflection inhale and exhale slowly. IF you lean in closely enough at the right time without appearing creeping or like your sniffing my perfume, you can hear me say: “You have titanium balls on your chest, go get ’em girl!”
10 minutes later and the lingering sound of Led Zeppelin was fading into the background as my anxiety starts gearing up and raises its ugly head. Instead of being all kick butt attitude like I had been a couple of moments ago, I’m now perched on the edge of my seat borderline huddled under the desk, having a panic attack.
It’s not the fact everything I’ve spent weeks stu[dying] or more and everything I’ve studied has suddenly vanished; leaving my head an empty glob of brain and tissue matter. The thing that set off my panic attack is the fact I’m surrounded by a 100 other students, my claustrophobia has kicked in well and truly and my brain is now calculating how long the oxygen supply will last if something were to happen.
When it came time to my mid-semester exam and the thought of sitting it entered my sleep clogged mind; only this time, it was completely and utterly different from my other exams.
For the first time in all of my college years, I wasn’t found hands braced on the bathroom sink, giving myself a pep talk of self encouragement. Nor was I holding a ‘psych yourself out’ conference in the court yard outside of my lecture hall while listening to the guitar rift of Jimmy Page. Nor was I on the phone to Lois going, “I don’t think I can do this. I can do this, right?”
Instead of calculating the oxygen supply for 150 students and how much I needed to pass the exam/course subject, I was confirming I knew the information while repeating CYP3A4, CYP2E1 and CYP450 in my head.
Something that once upon a time would have psychologically freaked me out because of my Dyslexia.
However for this exam and time, I’m not sure if it was because of divine intervention or a little medical help along the way (something I will discuss at a later date) or if it was because I’ve previously studied this subject. Instead, all I can think is: it boils down to the simple fact of knowing when and where the correct time to have a complete psych evaluation is and it’s not during an exam.
After having sat my exam and withholding a panic attack, I feel reprieved of all the emotions I’ve been carrying on my shoulders. This has seen me go from the crying girl in the bathroom Monday and in public (something I never, ever do) to the quietly confident twenty something year old woman, who could take on the world and Donald Trump.
In a way, it’s done wonders for my psychological and physical well being and in return, it’s helped so much with my blogging contribution towards Scarlett O’.
Not living in a constant anxiety bubble and fear of failing at every turn in my life path, has helped with making me a better non-psycho and less tempted bunny boiler of a college student. Instead of being a raving lunatic on a 7 day binge of Fatal Attraction 2.0, my life outside of a screen has essentially become more relaxed, personal and less Glenn Close.
Dearest Reader, my message at the end of the day is: Even though college seems to be a constant movement of eat. study. sleep. repeat; it’s a cycle that will come to an end one day. As much as I bitch, moan and grumble about being a broke arse student (yes this does suck in many ways), Sheila is a raving lunatic but actually has some intellectual ability to have emotions or something appears to be emotions and my time as being a part time blogger draws to an end with placement around the corner; it’s my drive and motion of wanting to gain something in life that has me returning to my ‘eat. study. sleep. repeat’ pattern.
I know when it comes time to me crossing that stage after having left Redneck County and the imbred society associated with it, I have overcome so many different hurdles. My final parting words are: who knew the city chic bitch from Redneck County would eventually leave behind the ‘dole and 9 kids’ sh*t and become a successful, self driven woman who is quietly confident she will go places? Claustrophobia and anxiety attacks be damned.
Yeah me either.
Until next time,