Life Presents Tits Over Arse

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One of the common factors that everyone on this planet experiences on a daily and minute to minute basis is the thought of: “What am I doing that is ruining my life?”

Guaranteed we think this thought when it appears like our life dreams have escaped the building like an Elvis impersonator or the time our boss promised us that promotion, while knowing full well it’s never going to happen. Or in some really unlucky person’s case, being in the wrong place at the wrong time and this results in serious consequences being applied.

In my case, the past year has felt like my life and dreams have escaped the building like Elvis escaping to the nearest In & Out burger joint.

Having always been someone open about what illnesses I experience, the somewhat constant thought of ‘what am I doing with my life and am I ever going to graduate?’ saw my anxiety spike. Where one particular Monday prior to my mid-semester Pharmacology exam, my anxiety over the fact I couldn’t understand what was being spoken about in my pharmacology tutorial saw me leave and escape to the nearest bathroom.

Where I proceeded to lock myself in a stall and promptly burst into tears.

What people don’t seem to understand and myself included, Anxiety and Dyslexia tend to feed off one another.  In my case, when I am particularly anxious about something such as my Pharmacology exam and the urge to pass it (for the 2nd time), it caused my Dyslexia to go into fifth gear. Essentially making it harder for me to learn, grasp a concept of the subject/topic being spoken about or generally make a decision.

So after two weeks of moping and randomly bursting into tears at any given moment as a result of being sleep deprived and anxious, I finally booked myself an appointment. Something which must have been a relief to my family as I think they were preparing the sharp knives to end my misery and theirs.

Arriving at my amazing and I do mean amazing doctor’s clinic, I spent 45 minutes instead of thirty, trying to piece the whole entire jig saw puzzle that was essentially my life.

For the first time in my twenty something years of being alive and countless years of being a student, I was finally able to understand the effect of Dyslexia and what it initially does to the brain. I learnt from the fabulous drawings, mind mapping and reconfirming what I’d just been told; it takes repeated prompts and mind mapping for a Dyslexic person to gain a bare understanding of what is being discussed.

Something which can be pretty difficult if your tutor or lecturer doesn’t particularly give a steaming pile of crap about.  But luckily for me, I have a tutor this semester that has gone well and truly above her limitations and has helped me in the long run. Which is something that I am truly thankful for and feel incredibly blessed about.

Which I think stems from the fact that God felt incredibly sorry for me after the horrible semester I had previously of Pharmacology and decided he would gift me with someone who had patience and a brain. Or rather should I say, a PHD in the subject I’m studying at the moment.

While most of us would assume that I only went to see my doctor about my Dyslexia, my original intention was discussing what options there were for my anxiety. For most of that week and the week prior, I spent awake at night for the fear of failing my exams and/or being involved in a car accident amongst many other reasons.

It was also the fear of disappointing myself that was predominately causing me to be awake at night.

Admitting to my doctor that I did suffer from anxiety for a long time, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders and I was able to breathe for the first time.  As I sat there in my doctor’s office clutching her mind-map drawings so I could dictate what I’d learnt back to Lois and Red, my doctor kindly wrote me a prescription of Melatonin and I knew from my medication knowledge bank, that it was a hormone often found within the pineal gland located within the brain.

Having gotten my expensive private prescription filled on a college student budget, I followed the directions that was enlisted by the pharmacist and slept for the first time in 9 days. I can honestly say Dearest Reader, I felt like I’d gone to cloud nine three days later when I woke up. For my body wasn’t living off adrenaline nor was I thinking that something was going to happen negatively for the first time in a long time.

Due to the ability of being able to communicate my needs and my doctor being able to understand the one’s I wasn’t technically speaking about, a blissful 72 hours of constant and undisturbed sleep and Melatonin; I was able to walk into my exam without having a ‘psych yourself out’ conference.

You can read about finding myself listening the lingering effects of Jimmy Page and Led Zeppelin while reiterating CYP3A4 in Sunday Session #1: The City Chic Bitch, Fatal Attraction 2.0 & Jimmy Page.

After taking my first initial steps to understanding how my body actually functions when it isn’t living off coffee, stress and adrenaline; my life has gone from being arse over tits to life presents tits over arse.  It can be said that life on the other side of the fence is a little bit greener, fancier and relaxing in a way that my family and Lady Blacksnot III have come to recognise exactly how laid back and relaxed I am.

For me, I am also seeing the improvements of what my life has come to on a daily basis. Even more so to the effect of being able to differentiate what life is like both when I am taking and not taking my medication and it still feels pretty the same, except I’m no longer thinking the world is going to come to an end.

This new mind frame or set of actions being put into practice, I am witnessing and feeling the effects of being zen and calm. Which I can honestly say is something that I have dreamt about being or even experiencing for five minutes for quite a while now as this calmness and zen has given the ability to focus on what is ‘fictional’ and ‘non-fictional’. 

Or in other terms, what can be controlled and cannot be controlled since we all know I need to be control of every little aspect of my life.

Over the past 8 weeks of being non-anxious or stressing about the tiniest thing has allowed me to mediate when I require time to simply unwind and ‘chill’. It has helped with my education in the long run I suspect, college life both as a student nurse and student but it has also taken the weight off trying to understand everything about Pharmacology. So when I walk into a class feeling like I don’t understand any of this, I reconfirm that although I don’t know and probably won’t know everything there is to know about Pharmacology, I just have to understand the basics. 

It has also helped with my aggressive attitude behind the wheel of my car and I am no longer finding the need to scream or yell at anyone. Well, that was until yesterday morning when I yelled out “you f*cking bitch!” at a delinquent elderly driver who almost killed me and I do mean, killed.

As Life has presented me tits over arse for the first time, I can honestly say I’ve learnt some pretty darn valuable lessons over the last 8 weeks or so. My lessons have taught me that I’m not the only dyslexic nurse/student out there as people I’ve known for a while have come out and stated they are dyslexic too. I am teaching myself to no longer hold onto the stigma of ‘slow’ or ‘idiot’ that I initially placed onto my shoulders some four years ago.

I learnt combining Melatonin, a beautiful little hormone, and meditation are teaching me how I can live with anxiety instead of allowing it to rule my like a dictator. It is therapeutic in the sense I can do it on the train when I’m coming back from a hectic day in Brisbane and at college. Overall, it has allowed me to be where I am today. 

A nursing student who passed her Pharmacology mid-semester exam.

Parts A & B.

Overall Dearest Reader, Life is looking pretty friggen good from where I am standing as compared to where I was 8 weeks ago.

Until next time,

~ S xo

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