Hold Me Now…

Good Morning,

I am sitting here at my little desk, looking out the window to my garden which I must admit looks amazing with all the flowers in bloom.  However, the weather  which needs medication for irrational behaviour, has been experiencing a bi-polar moment of heavy rain and then sparkling sunshine what seems like every few minutes.

Anyway, how have you all been?  I sincerely hope that life has been treating you with kindness, love and great bounties of ‘wow’ moments to treasure.

I apologise for not writing endless blogs about recipes, family and the small interesting moments in my life of late.  To be honest, I have been consumed by vast quantities of assessments, speech preparation, submission of portfolios, power point presentations and hours of what seems like my brain devouring learning materials that had me for a wee while wondering what the hell I had done and whether I would actually finish the 13 week programme for tertiary preparation.


When I first started the programme, I was utterly scared and totally excited all at the same time. My husband delivered me to campus and literally shoved me out the door to begin my first day with a cheery “I believe in you!’   Glad he did, because I was seriously beginning to wonder if I was really made for university life as a student.

One of the first things I wrote in my note book, while I waited for my first ever lecture to begin, was this: – ‘I can not give up’.  At the end of week three, I had to constantly read that message to myself because that is exactly what I wanted to do give up.

I know I wasn’t the only one to constantly utter this mantra.  After talking to some of my fellow students, they were all convinced our Lecturers and Tutors were Boot Camp Sergeants and we had entered ‘Hell Week” for the Navy Seals Programme.

I knew I couldn’t give up because to be honest, no way in hell could I have met my children’s eyes nor is it in my nature to GIVE UP when the toughness wants to crumble me!  However, in the quietness of  my bedroom while being held in my husband’s arms, I voiced the fear out loud… “this is so damn hard.”

It took an unexpected moment in one of my classes to make me realise, I was not only coping but actually doing better than I gave myself credit for.

I was in my Digital Futures Class, my lecturer happened to walk past me while I was busily double checking the work in my Digital portfolio that was due for submission by end of class. I noticed him out of the corner of my eye, take a step away from me before he backtracked, grabbed the seat beside me and asked to see my workload.

Up until that moment, the only person to have seen the compilation of work that began with the simple sentence… ‘BE a sponge’ that grew to several in depth pages that featured imagery, lecture notes, video uploads, quotes, hyperlinks and assorted other works of art… was me. I sat there scrolling through the pages, waiting with anxiety my new best friend ripping through my veins.  Finally I came to the end and turned to him, expecting to see a look of ‘that is utter crap’ across his face.  Instead, I was gathered into his arms and told quietly in my ear:- “That is exceptional work – the highest quality of work I have seen”.

As he left me, telling the class they were required to check over my work, I merely sat in astonishment before the burst of bliss got rid of my new mate, anxiety and I realised, he had just given me praise!

I came home on cloud nine.

That feeling of bliss has not gone and if anything has reinforced me every week.  As I watch the numbers of classmates diminish with each week, I am still attending and to be honest, so damn proud of all I have managed to achieve, embrace, learn from and have constantly sent up thanks to the heavens and my family for encouraging me.

Just like to point out, Miss Scarlett did have to give me a rather eye opening harsh talking to which made me sit there and want to bash her over the head with my rolling pin!  I had been having a moment of ‘I can’t do this’ and she took it upon herself to give me a stern lecture that I must admit shook me to the core.  She was quite valid in her points of view and it was exactly what I needed and I can imagine it gave her great delight to give me the smack over the head she had been craving for many years to do.

So I pulled up my big girl pants, sat down at my computer and got on with my workload without a whinge or complaint uttered.  THANK YOU SCARLETT.

So with five more weeks left, I discovered that I am beginning to regret the end that will come soon.  My thirst for knowledge, quench for learning has been an interesting development for me personally after years of not being in a traditional educational scene.

However, there are plans underway for me once my final exams are completed and I can take a breath from the exhaustion that I know will hit me once I finish.  I am going to travel.

At the moment, my Husband, The Redhead is living about 10+ hours drive away from home.  He left home about 3 weeks ago to work for a large Grain Company, initially for about 6-8 weeks, which has now been extended to several months. As I listened to him excitedly tell me that I may not see him until December and that only for a few short days before he headed back. I decided to make the drive after I finish my exams to go and spend some time with him. As he will be away for my birthday and our 29th wedding anniversary, I knew it would be a good opportunity to lavish us in some love.

In the meantime, he is about to receive his first ‘care package’ in the mail to his new post office box.  The girls and I filled it with his favourite biscuits, a long letter, writing paper, envelopes, books, socks, pens, some of his favourite dvds and other goodies.

Funny thing is, it is not our first long term departure from each other.  We have spent many times apart due to work commitments and I will say this, it never ever gets easier. These past couple of days, I have been incredibly lonely and I know he has been having troubling sleeping too. However, the both of us are strong people and we will cope. One thing we have learnt over the years of being married, sometimes you just have to suck it up and hold onto the belief of it is for the good of our family and ourselves.


Anyway, I am off to begin working on a draft copy of my Essay due in two weeks and considering I have no idea what I am going to write yet, I wanted to say hello and hope all is well in your worlds.


Love Lois xxx


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