One morning, I woke on the right side of bed and when rolling over to have a peek at the dreaded time on my phone, I noticed that the little green light on my phone was blinking. After deciding as to whether or not I really wanted to face reality and what lay beyond my screen saver at the time, which consisted of a half-finished cup of a coffee, I pulled up the message and let out a sigh.
There in a dark blue square that lay surrounded by half written notes alongside the ever-increasing selfie pictures of my cleavage and ‘go get ’em girl!’ comments was an inquiry on my availability. After pulling a forty-something hour week with very little sleep, the temptation to spend my study free day in bed, wrapped up in blankets while watching shows in between fits of sleep was significantly tempting.
However, the realistic part of my brain realised that a spot of fresh air, clean clothes and a shower might actually be more beneficial for my health. So ultimately, agreed to having brunch with the babe at Granny’s. Once that was settled and a reasonable time after midday was established between a night owl and a morning walker, I promptly rolled over the intention of catching a few more hours of sleep.
A few hours later and a lengthy shower tucked under my belt, I slapped on a white stretchy, comfortable white tee-shirt and pair of skinny jeans before rushing out the door with a goodbye thrown over my shoulder. Whilst driving around the block a few times so I could get a car park, I met Lady Blacksnot III Esq at our favourite go-to place, Grandma’s Kiwi Kitchen.
Having found a seat that was on the opposite of Granny’s kitchen, we quickly opted to browse over the menu offered and when settling with our decisions, we gave our order to the same waitress who had served us previously. As I smiled at her because she clearly remembered who we were, after having been busted talking about micro dicks and how we’d act towards them, we waited until our drinks were served before settling down to business.
While inhaling on my Lemint detox juice as Lady Blacksnot sipped her green smoothie delicately like she was experiencing a pounding hang over, I found out about the nitty and gritty details on her life as a Full Time Lawyer Bitch. But after glossing over those somewhat less important and polite pointers for conversation, I poked the elephant in the room and brought up the topic of Doctor Dick and her dating stories.
As a slender, chocolate-y caramel hand placed my brunch in front of me with a welcoming smile, our waitress inquired if we required anything and when stating we were find, we watched her fascination as she darted off in an elegant way to greet new customers before turning our gaze to one another and our awaiting breakfast.
It was in this particular moment that I managed to capture the sheer concentration of LBS’ face as she went about de-pitting her lemon for any seeds, while her fush & sweet potato chups went waiting. But this concentration only lasted for a few seconds when having placed my camera equipment on the chic table, the tables were ultimately turned.
Where to my horror and somewhat shock at the thought of having my own photo taken, I was somewhat caught red-handed as I was about to pick up my man-sized BLT on sourdough.
It was after my camera went dark that LBS and I got down to business.
After biting in our fish and man-sized sandwhich, we spoke of my last placement for nursing and what her life was a Full Time Lawyer Bitch had been like, I learnt that in my relatively private moments of self-imposed seclusion, Lady Blacksnot III was going for a promotion at work as her mentor was leaving. Cue the excited clapping of hands and gushing at the thought of a promotion and successfully achieving something incredible, the conversation switched from work and my desire to hold a scalpel to her epic dating stories.
Dating stories that included Doctor Dick and his reasonably sized small dick. However, it wasn’t the fantasy of carving up Doctor Dick while slapping him repeatedly over the head with the dictionary to etiquette. Instead, it was the fascinating story or rather dating woe of how LBS would discover she was on a date with the housemate of a guy she had previously dated.
As I resisted unbuttoning my jeans since they had suddenly grown unreasonably tighter, I learn that Ezra from Pretty Little Liars followed the ‘bros before hoes’ declaration of the bro code to heart.
Least to say after having paid for our brunch and entering the world of lingerie and fashion, I discovered as LBS tried on delicate items of lace, silk and satin, she had been dumped via text message because he “didn’t feel the connection”. In return, made us realise that Ezra from PLL took his bromance to a whole new level and was ultimately the best boy-friend, wing man and guy friend that anyone could want and in the end, it made me realise Lady Blacksnot III and I had our own form of unique spinsterhood, bitchy and divide and conquer friendship.
That will see us in our later years, spending eternity together in an elderly retirement village in our flashy, dangerous and speedy wheelchairs while I actively encourage LBS to flirt with anyone in pants. Guess I better start writing that will then.
Until next time,