Sometime last year, I opened one of the many pages to the story of my life and shared a post on how I used to gallop amongst fields filled with weedy grass on the back of a wild kangaroo and spoke of how I was known to be the person who actively believed in penning her life in a series of 5’s.
During this post of mine, I wrote about my obsessive behaviour of thinking in a series of 5’s pattern as it was a result of coping with the knowledge of being diagnosed with skin cancer when I was fourteen. The five-year prophecy between life and death would eventually come to an end when told I had a clean bill of health and as a result, spent years writing down each goal and ambitious belief on a brightly coloured piece of paper. Out of fear that this opportunity of a lifetime would be taken away if I didn’t severely structure my pathway to living.
These accurately detailed and numbers goals on pieces of coloured paper covered one of my bedroom walls, where teen heart throbs should have been splattered and stared at profusely for hours on end. Instead, I stared at the images of pizza slices and bowls of pasta from Italia to New York and various cut outs of places I wanted to seek and pay homage to. All the while giving thanks to their various Gods and religious beliefs for allowing me to be in their humble land, away from my own safety net and home, and for being alive.
Post discovery of hormones and men, how bad guys can lurk within shallow waters of friendships and the scary but realistic truth that by running away from life and troubles, it’ll be waiting for you when or if you choose to return; I learnt a valuable lesson post uploading. This lesson wasn’t purely structured around my expectations on Life and how I wanted to be as a human being but it allowed for me to discover a previously unrevealed key note about myself, as an individual and woman.
It can only be described as a cliché philosophical way of outlook because it empowers the viewer to take a step back from their busy life schedule and to reflect upon their own Life story and the goals they wish to achieve before ultimately succumbing to death. As to my own philosophical way of viewing upon my own life, I learnt that everything from the moment I was born to this very second had been experienced for a purpose and should be considered as stepping stones to something greater beyond what my mind and eye can presently see.
My tiny but empowering stepping stones forged the pathway of discovering why it was important for me to develop and process a sense of individualistic views on Life and why I needed a public and private world when it came to blogging. Possessing the strength to acknowledge that good and bad things happen for a reason within our lives, I find myself with an incredibly relaxed and open mind for the first time as I write this post.
Something which had made me snort in a mixture of mirth and disbelief because I didn’t think there would be a time where I would make both a public and private announcement of wanting to take an undisclosed amount of time off from writing and blogging. After four years of blogging and keeping everyone informed as what was happening within my life, I have been secretly enjoying my not-so guilty pleasure of living with a relatively empty mind because I’m no longer writing posts while trying to fall asleep.
Who knew that eight hours of solid and undisturbed sleep each night can be classified as absolute bliss and deliciously sinful? Once upon a time, my brain would have gotten excited at the prospect of having five hours of undisturbed sleep in between finding time to write assignments and attend placements as a university student. Post studies and a mini mental breakdown regarding my life outcomes, I’ve been enjoying the prospect of not having to pull something out of my arse for you to read on a biweekly basis and when publishing, only discovered it was complete and utter shit.
If you aren’t still convinced that this was possibly the best decision I have ever made than allow me to tell you, I made the decision on a Wednesday morning while staring out over my misty backyard and with a cup of coffee in hand. While people and the world were silent for they were still sleeping and as I watched the sunrise in nothing but complete and utter silence, I felt like the weight of the world had been realised from my shoulders and brain.
While the jury is still out as to whether I have gone AWOL, I thought I’d give you an honest and real answer as to why I decided to take a self-imposed break from being a blogger and posting irrelevant shit. The simple answer is a few days ago while perched on the edge of my seat as I struggled to form a cohesive thought inside of my head, I thought heavily upon a sentence I’d read over my Mother’s shoulder and there in simple black and white was:
“She has become stale as a blogger under the heading of Scarlett.”
A few years ago, when I started this adventure of putting finger tips and brains cells to writing, editing and uploading under two different headings of a Blog, I would have been cut to strips before promptly bursting into tears if I’d read this sentence. Now with years of blogging experience under my belt as this online world of competitive blogging continues to expand overnight, I have developed a rather sturdy backbone.
Leaving my clothes behind in discarded pile on the bathroom floor and stepping under the spray, I allowed the water to trickle over my body and with that, began to wash away years of anger. At the same time as my fruity smelling conditioner toyed with the drain before dropping over the edge like Alice down the rabbit hole, I contemplated about the four most defining and pivotal moments within my life as a private and public twenty-something year old female, woman and blogger.
By becoming a public version of my twenty-something year old self, as a woman and blogger, I thought about the moment of discovering I could put fingertips to keys and hit publish without any qualms as to whether people read my thoughts and opinions. This thought soon changed one morning when reviewing my emails and became shocked when a virtual brawl erupted on a post I’d written about a forbidden and highly taboo subject.
Otherwise known as Euthanasia.
As my phone and comment box continued to blow up for the next week, I allowed for those to quote and plead their human rights to choose between life and death while others quoted heavily impacting scriptures from the Bible. However, my allowance and acceptance on everyone having a unique and individualistic thought on the topic ended abruptly when someone threatened another’s life because this person was pro-Euthanasia.
Clearly the thought of being able to control your own life and health outcome didn’t agree with this person in question. As a result, my first lesson of being a blogger allowed me to discover I held, possessed and had the power of privately and publicly acknowledging and accepting your personal thoughts if I so wish to. This meant that if I thought your comments were irrelevant, possessed an ounce of danger or were so backwards that they would have made you appear like an idiot, I would openly remove and delete your comment like it had never existed while protecting your dignity from further ridicule.
With the acknowledgement and acceptance of owning power that comes with being a writer, blogger and influencer of those who wished to be influenced, it also brought to the surface and my attention where I had exactly gone stale as a writer, influencer and blogger. Having always being a type of person who wanted to write about the truth and in return, expects nothing but the truth within her public and private lives, I was shown where I became stale and lost that spark or authenticity and originality.
Looking back upon those previous posts and sharing a chuckle or two at remembering how easy the words and emotion came to mind, as well as the struggles I had to endure to be able to write that post; I also thought about the unlimited amount of F bombs I could drop into one post (I stopped counting at 50). While reading these posts, I discovered that not only my writing and personality lost its spark of creativity and individuality but I lost the spark as well.
By understanding the concept of having lost who I was as a person and how mundane I had become as a writer/blogger, this was the pivotal moment I burst into tears and felt my heart fracture slightly. For it felt like that very second, I had taken a hundred steps backwards from the woman I wanted to be and opted to became the wallflower I’d originally been because it was comfortable. Or maybe I slipped into the writing format of being a wallflower because I didn’t realise I had done it?
As to my private life over the past few years, I have enjoyed both writing and not writing about the relatively different dating and adventurous lifestyles as experienced by both Lady Blacksnot III and myself. The times that I did post about the adventures undertaken by both LBS and myself, I also had times of guilty pleasure where I didn’t wish to write about my dating experiences with utter wankers, the lingering effects of being ghosted and the limitless supply of a mental breakdowns while I was a university student.
Because who really wants to read about nursing student who spends most of her day contemplating life outside of a textbook or body cavity and respectively asking: Did I make the right decision. I know that it would have gotten boring around here quickly and as to those posts on our dating experiences, I don’t feel guilty about writing and publishing about their cringe worthy attitude for they deserved to be publicly shamed for their behaviour.
Although these posts are still considered to be our entertainment for the week and I find myself going back to the post I wrote about why women don’t want your dick pic (the jury came in at a ‘NO!’ to receiving dick pics), I can honestly say that while these posts are and will always be my favourite, I am not sure what or where the future will be bringing and taking us.
But do know that my final words my final words as I bring this post to a conclusion are: I just wanted to thank you for being patient but more importantly, accepting and understanding. Lastly, welcome to the new and improved Scarlett O’Chunky.
Much Love & until next time,